My children have never gone down a steaming hot metal slide. They have never fallen from monkey bars onto hard concrete. As babies, they never rammed their heads into an unpadded furniture corner, or had to fall asleep without the soothing whoosh of white noise to dampen their chaotic little thoughts. They have never felt any real dehydration, had a sunburn, or been forced to watch the Price is Right for two hours straight when they’re sick because nothing else is on. We’ve rightly done our damndest as a society to shield the youth of today from as many of life’s struggles as possible. And while there is no arguing this is generally for the best, many experts also worry about the effects of chronic overprotection, and the lack of life skills and resilience that can come from never having experienced any real sense of failure or challenge.
But hey, at least still we had Capri Sun.
But now, as reported by Snackolater, there’s a rumor Capri Sun will soon be offering a twist-top bottled version of its signature juice pouch, and I (and others) worry about what this new easy-open option could do to further risk the fortitude of the younger generation.
The mental and physical tenacity required to efficiently stab a metal pouch of Capri Sun with a tiny yellow straw has been one of the only ways I, as a parent, can truly prepare my kids for the realities of adult life. Lose the straw? Game over. Can’t hit that tiny little hole? Stab elsewhere, but you better have some serious upper body strength, and I can’t imagine how many ER visits have been triggered by missing the pouch altogether and hitting one’s upper thigh. If you do have the hand-eye coordination of a neurosurgeon and manage to make the delicate puncture, be careful not to grasp too hard, or expect a stream of sticky juice to spray out all over you, sacrificing both your clothes and most of your beverage.
Why would Capri Sun do this? My guess is it’s aiming for a more grown up customer base — though if you’ve ever watched a pudgy-fisted three-year-old repeatedly slamming a poky straw into their fruit punch, you’d question if children were really the right target audience to begin with. And has the company not noticed that pouch-food has become a new craze, with everything from milk tea to tuna to saag paneer being dispensed via squeezesack?
Thankfully, it sounds like the plan isn’t to replace the original pouches, but supplement them. And offering a variety of formats surely eliminates a barrier for those with accessibility and dexterity challenges. But while my job as a parent is, in most cases, to protect and nurture my kids, I for one will continue to watch and smile as, lips parched, they mindlessly and repeatedly stab a shiny and probably hot pouch of sugar juice to quench their thirst. It’s back to school season, after all.
