Welcome to Rules of Consumption, a column where Eater staff writer Amy McCarthy answers any and all questions you have regarding dining etiquette. Have a conundrum? Email advice@eater.com for answers.
Dear Amy,
Last week, I drove to a friend’s apartment for a dinner party with a bunch of our mutual college buddies. I wasn’t asked to bring anything, but I grabbed an inexpensive (and good!) bottle of wine to share because I don’t like to show up empty-handed. The dinner was great, almost entirely homemade by our host, and it was wonderful to see friends that I hadn’t spent time with in years. Things got weird, though, after I left.
When I got home, I found a notification on my phone — a Venmo request for $20. I thought for a second that I’d forgotten to send my roommate my half of the water bill, but then I checked the notes, and it was a request from the host, asking me to help pay for the evening’s groceries! I didn’t want to look cheap or start an argument, so I just sent the 20 bucks, but I’m still a little offended. This friend invited me into their home, then charged me money for it? Am I being cheap?
I Thought the Wine Was Enough
Dear Enough,
Unfortunately, you’re not the first person to come to me with this issue. After receiving your note, I polled my coworkers about their own experiences with post-dinner-party Venmo requests, and I remain a little shocked at how many of them had received similar notifications. Maybe my Southern upbringing with an Emily Post-loving grandmother is showing, but I could not be more horrified! That sound you hear is my imaginary pearls being clutched all the way across the internet.
To understand why I think this move is just plain wrong, a little historical context: until the last 100 years or so, only the very rich could afford to throw parties in this country. It just wasn’t feasible for regular folks to be giving away perfectly good food to their friends. That all changed as the post-war middle class grew, and Americans were increasingly able to invite people over for dinner and drinks. Dinner parties became normal, and hosting a way to both gather your friends and show off your domestic skills.
In this moment of ever-increasing food prices, it’s starting to feel a bit like the bad old days. I get that cooking a whole dinner for a bunch of people can be expensive. But! If you do choose to throw a party, be a gracious host. It’s unacceptable to invite someone into your home, under the auspices of hospitality, then charge them for said hospitality. The cost of the “dinner” part of the dinner party is on you.
That said, there are ways to reduce your costs. A dinner party doesn’t have to be an elaborate gourmet production. Make a big pot of soup and homemade bread, set out a couple of Trader Joe’s cheeses and crackers for appetizers, and ask folks to BYOB.
If even a simple dinner feels unaffordable, then it’s time to start thinking about a different type of party: a good old-fashioned potluck. You may be asking why it’s okay to ask someone to bring a cooked dish and not $20. To that I would say that dinner parties are fundamentally about the shared experience of a meal with friends. Asking guests to contribute food, as opposed to cash, allows them to participate in the experience, while asking them to send cash is totally counterintuitive to that spirit.
I do think there is one key exception to this rule, but you absolutely must talk to your guests about splitting costs before the party even happens. If you’re planning to host a group that wants to feast on caviar, king crab legs, or some other outrageously priced delicacy, it’s perfectly reasonable to ask attendees to chip in to procure these extravagant ingredients. The key is that this must be agreed upon in advance—no surprise Venmo requests after the crab party!
Life feels more expensive than ever right now, but that’s no excuse to be tacky. There’s no shame in a potluck dinner, or serving a simple-yet-delicious meal to your guests. What is shameful, however, is treating your friends like they’re your customers.
Michael Hoeweler is a lifestyle illustrator who loves to make work of and about people, nature, food, fashion, and more. He spends his days with his partner Billy and their two cats just outside of NYC, in Bloomfield, New Jersey.
