“What I’ve been seeing is a lack of consistency from daters, which I think is due to general uncertainty, but also the constant crush of communications,” said Hoffman, whose book “F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story” comes out in January. “There are way more conversations happening than our brains have evolved to sustain.”
At the same time, some surveys indicate that people are more likely to find partners on dating apps than in person. Someone who starts as a face on a screen could end up being the love of your life — or at least a sexy evening. (One time I messaged a hot guy on Hinge expecting crickets, and now we are legally wed.) So it’s worth treating everyone with kindness. “First do no harm” is Hoffman’s Hippocratic tip.
As the Help Desk investigates how etiquette is changing, here are some rules for dating apps from four sex and romance experts.
Keep profiles light and fun
Dating app profiles are a place to drop breadcrumbs so people can get curious about your life. Resist the urge to list your dealbreakers or wax poetic about Dating These Days.
“No negativity in your profile — never ever,” said dating coach Erika Ettin. “It comes off as pessimistic, rude and a little bitter.”
At the same time, rote answers don’t give people much to work with. You may love pizza and puppies — but don’t we all?
Use profile “prompts” on apps like Hinge to show a glimpse of what makes you different, Ettin said. Rather than saying you like bourbon and tacos, mention your Kentucky upbringing or your quest for the neighborhood’s best birria.
As dating apps add more features, it’s tempting to overshare. Bumble, for instance, offers profile “badges” that let you share everything from political affiliations to your thoughts on having kids. If it helps thin the herd, go for it, Ettin said. But more isn’t always better — if you leave a rambling voice note, someone might lip sync to it on TikTok.
Your potential love interests probably receive multiple messages a day, so “sup” won’t cut it, Ettin said.
On dating apps, curiosity is your superpower. Read the person’s profile and ask a follow-up question, Ettin advised. Avoid boring questions like “What are you up to?” or “How was your day?”
Not everyone enjoys dirty talk, so don’t lead with something sexual. And dating app DMs aren’t the place for intellectual grandstanding. If you find yourself writing an essay about the meaning of life, you may be more focused on yourself than your potential date.
To break out of endless swiping, Ettin tells her clients to stop chatting and propose a date: “Great question!” you might say to a match. “I’d love to tell you more about that over dinner.”
You can also pass the metaphorical ball with something like: “I’m really enjoying this conversation. Where do we go from here?”
If swiping through faces is all you can handle, make sure you’re respectful of other people’s time and emotions, said Michelle Parsons, chief product officer at Lex, an online LGBTQ+ community board. If you’re looking for a hookup or have no intention of meeting, state that in your post or profile. People will appreciate the honesty. (On Lex, “hookups” is one of the most-used search filters, Parsons said.)
Whatever you do, don’t swipe right in bulk and then wait to see who returns your interest — you’ll end up unnecessarily hurting people if you unmatch later.
Share how you like to communicate
Old rules like “respond within an hour” or “wait three days to check in” are defunct. Instead, let your dates know upfront how you prefer to chat.
If you like to send 80 memes a day, talk about it. If you tend to ignore your messages, say that, too. There’s no right or wrong way to stay in touch, said health educator Justine Ang Fonte, just be clear about what you expect and what you can handle.
Release the need to play it cool, Ettin advised. If you’re tapping your foot waiting on a message, reach out and check in. The phrase “I can’t tell” can help get you started, she said. Try saying “I can’t tell if you want to get together this weekend,” or “I can’t tell what you meant by that.”
The debate is settled, Hoffman said: Ghosting is officially a bad look. If you treat your dating app connections like pixels on a screen, connecting with someone special gets that much harder.
Of course, if someone makes you feel unsafe, feel free to break contact. But if someone is rude, telling them so can be empowering. Ang Fonte crafts “boundary scripts,” including polite breakups, and shares them on Instagram. The scripts help people practice clear communication without agonizing over the perfect message, she said.
If someone wants feedback on their behavior, they go to a professional, not Tinder.
Gen Z and millennials are the most therapized generations, but that doesn’t make everyone an expert. Diagnosing other people or prying into their internal lives should not be part of your dating app conversations, Hoffman said.
Think your date is a raging narcissist? Or brimming with mommy issues? Avoid giving an armchair diagnosis, and break things off if you aren’t enjoying yourself.
The same goes when discussing your own feelings. Your attachment style, past relationships or anxiety disorder may be relevant, but it’s easy to overshare or manipulate. While you’re getting to know someone, keep any “real talk” focused on the dating behaviors you like and dislike.
Dating app interactions are easy fodder for social media content. But your connections didn’t consent to showing up on your Instagram.
Sometimes, shining a light on bad behavior helps protect others from dangerous situations. Other times, it’s not-so-subtle bullying. Being cringey isn’t a crime, so think hard before you blast your private conversations to the internet. (And remember that anything you say could land on TikTok in a snap.)
