Steve Pikiell tried not to push his four kids into athletics − even as a former player for Jim Calhoun at Connecticut and a college basketball head coach during all or most their lives.
His daughter, Brooke, though, said she felt a distinct message from him early in her sports career: I don’t care if you play, but if you play, you have to give it your all.
Pikiell’s kids all took this lesson to heart, and two made it to Division I sports. Brooke played four years (2017-21) as a guard on Northwestern’s women basketball team. Olivia is a sophomore midfielder on North Carolina’s No. 4-seeded women’s lacrosse team, which is playing in this year’s NCAA tournament. The Tar Heels advanced to the quarterfinals, which will be played Thursday, by defeating Richmond 16-12 on Mother’s Day.
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“I was blessed that some of my kids had really good youth coaches,” says Pikiell, Rutgers’ men’s basketball coach, “and I would just follow up with some of the lessons that they were teaching. Like, ‘Hey, you gotta play harder’ or ‘You gotta make sure that you pass the ball.'”
Pikiell inherited two struggling programs as a head coach (Stony Brook in 2005 and Rutgers in 2016) and turned them around. He had to look beyond talent to fill out his rosters. He notices habits, intangibles and actions that are fully within a player’s control regardless of ability.
He and his daughters shared with USA TODAY Sports last week how their lifelong love of sports powered their careers forward. This week, they offer ways to impress your coach regardless of your age level or sport. They include:
- Be coachable and unselfish.
- Be a defensive stalwart.
- Go all out in practice.
- Be vocal and communicative with teammates.
- (For parents) Be present but not too present.
‘Be your best self’ when you are on and off the court
Steve Pikiell likes a player who can score a lot of points, but scoring is one of the last boxes he checks.
“I look for tough kids that are driven, that have a little chip on their shoulder,” he says. “Maybe I look for kids that are a little under recruited.”
When Pikiell watches sports – whether high school basketball or soccer or Olivia’s college lacrosse games – he follows who threw the pass that led to the score and picks out other traits of unselfish play. He shares his observations with his kids.
“They don’t even realize how important those passes were, but they might have helped them win the game,” he says.
Brooke, who worked her way to a scholarship as a walk-on guard at Northwestern, says “being your best self” and having a positive attitude is a skill in itself. Are you sitting on the bench sulking because you’re not playing? Or are you standing up and cheering your teammates?
“I think it says something a lot about you, and I think a coach will take someone who’s a good teammate over someone who’s selfish and has a bad attitude about everything, even if they’re less talented,” she says.
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Get defensive to make yourself stand out
“Everyone always talks about the guy that scores the most points,” Steve Pikiell says, “and I usually talk about the guy who held the guy to the least points. If I was a sportswriter, I would be writing about the defense. The easy thing to do is write about who scores the goals, who hit the home run … ’cause those are sexy.”
Pikiell looks for ways a player factors into winning that don’t necessarily show up on a stat sheet: who dove for a loose ball; who took the most charges; who had the most deflections.
“If I get a phone call and someone says, ‘This kid’s the best defender in the country,’ I will go watch him play and I’ll probably be one of two coaches there,” he says. “But if he’s the best offensive player in the country, there will be a thousand coaches at that game.”
Communicate and lead, even if you’re not playing
Hall of Fame lacrosse coach Jenny Levy stresses to her North Carolina women’s team that a player’s influence and impact is never neutral.
“You are always gonna impact the people around you by what you say and what you do and how you act,” Olivia Pikiell says, echoing Levy. “So just know you are important to all these people around you.”
Levy and assistant coach Phil Barnes emphasize communication and leadership. As a freshman, Olivia was quiet, even kind of scared, as she was learning the ins and outs of collegiate lacrosse. As a sophomore, she has learned to be more vocal.
“We’re all learning, so it doesn’t matter if you’re a fifth-year or a freshman, we all add value,” she says. “Especially now that I’ve gotten more comfortable … I can say what’s on my mind − just being a leader and not being afraid to help your teammates out and talk about things.”
Leadership is something her dad also instilled in her. And he believes you can be a leader regardless of your age.
“I love kids that are verbal, so when I go to a practice and a kid is involved, engaged with his mouth, those are things that really impress me because now kids just text,” Steve Pikiell says. “They don’t talk anymore. The phone has taken away that skill set. So when I go into a gym and I hear a kid and he’s communicating with his teammates, he’s communicating with his coach, that’s an unbelievable skill set.”
Get after it in practice. ‘It’s bigger than just you’
If given the choice between watching a player in practice or a game, Coach Pikiell goes to a practice.
“I think I see more. I learn about his work ethic,” he says. “Sometimes you go to a game and a kid gets in foul trouble and he’s only playing a little bit or teams are double-teaming him. But when I go to practices, I’m able to watch more, I’m able to see him do drills, I’m able to see him in different settings. I like high-energy kids that are getting after it in practice.”
Brooke sometimes found it hard to grapple with putting in the same amount of time as her Northwestern teammates in practice but not seeing a lot of game minutes. She credits her coaches for reminding her she still played an important role.
If you don’t play a lot in games, you can always go all out in practice.
“I think just realizing that it’s bigger than just you, and (that) we won a Big Ten championship my junior year, and I think, just like the goal of winning as a team … that’s what motivated me,” she says. “I feel like I contributed just as much as everyone else did practicing and making them better.”
As a parent, be seen (but not necessarily heard) for your kid
Sometimes just showing up and exchanging eye contact with your son or daughter before a game will brighten their sports experience. It could also make them play more confidently knowing you are there to support them.
Steve Pikiell tries to know as much as he can about all the people that surround players. He watches how players interact with their parents, coaches and teammates. He watches parents especially closely.
“People are working from home and I go to games now, my son’s in AAU games, and I’m like, ‘Two parents are here? And they’re yelling at the referees,’ ” he says. “I’m saying to myself, ‘These kids are 15 years old. The referee’s done his ninth game today. The dude’s exhausted. I’m just thankful that they got referees.’ “
“I see and I hear a lot and I’m just like, ‘I think we’re missing the boat on a lot of things as a parent.’ “
You never know who is watching. Are you yelling at the referees or at your child? Or are you just sitting, watching and supporting?
At Olivia’s lacrosse games, her dad is usually pretty hidden − unless, of course, he’s wearing his scarlet red.
“I’m like, ‘Dad, they’re gonna notice you when you’re in your Rutgers sweatshirt,’ ” she says.
Steve Borelli, aka Coach Steve, has been an editor and writer with USA TODAY since 1999. He spent 10 years coaching his two sons’ youth teams, including basketball in grade school. He and his wife, Colleen, are now loving life as sports parents for a high schooler and middle schooler.
